Sharing experiences helps us know we are not alone.
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Remain anonymous, pick a fictitious name it’s your experience which counts
If you can, include a photo/image of a significant place or item.Many of us experience the same issues in different ways, so below includes examples of this.
I have always felt like I was weak, that I did not fit in with my mates. They all seemed so strong and confident, able to handle life and stuff that comes up. I find it hard to admit it but I just feel more, I get upset over stuff, like when others get hurt or picked on, I feel for them. I hate the fact that I feel it, and then I don't say anything I just look on like some useless observer. So, I hate feeling weak, and I hate the fact that I don't do anything about it. Drink helps, when I drink, I just don't feel anything anymore so it’s much easier. The problem is that I have been told that when I drink, I come out with a load of stuff about how wrenched I am, so I have to live with the shame afterwards, I just end up feeling wretched.
I am in my mid-twenties and now just realising that I do feel for others and that is not always a bad thing, but it is really hard at times and I still struggle with feeling like a weak person, and I struggle with never reeling like I fit in and belong. Karl mid 20s.
I found out recently that I'm
autistic. Before I thought that I was just anxious and had complex PTSD, but
finding out I was autistic made so much sense. No wonder I am anxious - the
world is not set up for people who process information or think the way I do. I
get overwhelmed very easily and I'm
very sensitive to noise and temperature. It's hard for me to concentrate or do
anything else when I'm too hot or it's too noisy. I can't do anything until
those things are under control. I try to manage it by being aware of those
things that I am sensitive to, and my learning about autism and how it affects people, and giving myself some grace. There's nothing
wrong with me, it's just that my 'operating system' is different to most other
people - think Samsung versus Apple!
I chose this picture of my
favourite beach because it's a place where I feel very peaceful, without so
much of the internal 'chatter' that I get a lot of the time. I love being there
and it makes me happy.
Holly aged 43
I always feel like I can't trust
people. I just keep thinking of the times people have let me down. It’s
not that one specific time stands out, it is that I focus on the sense of not
being able to rely on anyone else. It is kind of like a mush of thoughts which
shout out that I cannot rely on anyone. I remember being told I was being too
needy, or feeling like I was. I think it came when I wanted to be comforted or just wanted attention and my parents were too busy; or just unable to handle my emotional needs.
I am starting to realise that this
means I never ask for help. When someone offers help, I usually say no.
The phrase 'cut your nose off to spite your face' goes around my head,
but it still feels safer to just not rely on anyone. I am trying to
change this; I recognise that I have not noticed when people are there for me;
I don't really see it or I brush it off as nothing. I'm trying to learn to
trust people and to know that I am not alone but it is hard.
Mark in his 30s.
I am aware I have a perfectionist
streak. I know it came from my father who wanted me to do my best; and
always encouraged me to try harder. It sounds good, but now all I can
hear is that voice in my head “Try harder”. It still feels like
whatever I do is not good enough, I was not good enough. I have always
felt like I am going to be judged; and come out lacking. I put so much
pressure on myself, never satisfied with what I do. I see others enjoying
a sense of achievement which I never seem to get.
When other people congratulate me,
or admire what I do I don't seem to be able to hear it. I shrug it off as
if it was nothing. Yet if anyone does not like what I have done, or
thinks differently I hear this as criticism and it goes so deep; I keep
overthinking it and it can become overwhelming.
I am starting to realise that I
sense everyone else judging me, but the judgement is mainly coming from me.
I have tried to stop comparing myself with others. I keep telling
myself that “I am enough”. I try to consciously listen and really hear
the positive comments, and let go of negative ones. It feels like
hard work but I am getting there. Jo - late 30s.
I strive so hard to do my best, in
my job, for my kids and to be a good wife. Yet this voice inside seems to
tell me I'm not good enough. The other day I worked non-stop to do
everything I needed to do, making sure everyone in my home had what they needed
on top of my job. Then the other morning my 12 year old daughter said she
needed her school kit. She had put it out to wash and I missed it.
She was upset, saying that
because I had forgotten she would have to wear her old one which is too tight.
She would be laughed at, and it was my fault. I felt awful, such a
bad mum. My shame came over me and I found myself doubting not just my
ability as a mother, but also as a wife and in all my life. I compare
myself to other mothers who seem to have it all together, what is wrong with
me, why can’t I do even the basic things right.
I have started recently to
challenge these thoughts. I have also stopped comparing myself to others,
stopped looking at Facebook so much
and stopped looking out for evidence that I am not enough. I am doing my
best, and that is all I can do.
I have also started to look at the
positive things and what I do well. I have listed them so that when my
shame voice tells me I am not enough I read my list and say I'm not going
there, my shame is not going to win today. I am going to focus on the
positives. It is not easy but I am slowly winning, and as a result I
enjoy and accept myself more. Kate 35.
I have always felt less than others, and fought this during my twenties and thirties, but often just apologised for just being me, I must be the one who is wrong. My shame, as I have come to know it came over me like a heavy blanket, sending me on an inward spiral into a black hole.
I have learnt, and am still learning that I am ok, even if I happen to disagree with another. That I can be enough with what I do and who I am. I slowly learnt that my deeply held conclusion that I’m not enough and ‘wrong’ was my shame. Messages instilled early on in my life by my parents, which I owned as true. But I have learnt that these messages were not about me, they were more about them. When I feel the overwhelming sense of shame, I now say it for what it is, and imagine myself shaking off the blanket and flying out of the hole and through bright skies. I tell myself I am enough, and that I am not wrong. I still feel shame from time to time, but have learnt to take out all its energy so it can’t stop me appreciating who I am.
Anne – mid 50s
