Accepting all aspects of who we are

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Accepting all aspects of who we are

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Published by Maz in Interactions with ourself and others · 17 July 2024
Welcome to this blog all about our 'parts' and why our awareness and acceptance of each part can make a big difference to how we relate to ourselves, others and manage our day-to-day experiences.  
 
So, what do we mean by our 'parts'?
I have often found this a strange term as if we were seen as some sort of machine with different parts.  We are far more complex than any machine.  Yet other terms we could use seem to be too restrictive.  We could refer to characteristics or personality traits, yet for some it’s also about roles like a carer, soldier or teacher.  You have heard it said "It’s the teacher in me".  Others may want to include feelings or emotions.  A part which feels deeply for others, or is hardened to people who don’t help themselves.  

Are our parts nature or nurture?  
Our parts can be a natural part of who we are; they may be hereditary and you might recognise them in other family members.  Alternatively, they may have been developed as a way of coping with relationships and situations in our past and we often refer to these as our ‘adaptive parts’.  They have come about as strategies which we consciously or unconsciously develop in order to protect ourselves, both physically and emotionally.   
More about our adaptive parts.
Some people are naturally shy while others may have become shy as a result of being bullied as a child.  Or it may be that you are naturally prudent, or it may have been that you had very little money growing up and had to learn to be prudent.  I know I can get obsessive over a latest project, I get totally totally focused on it.  I have questioned is this my natural way of being or as a result of trying to prove myself in some way?  Being curious about your parts and where they come from can be valuable in learning to own and accept them.
Learning to own all our parts.  
Some parts of who we are easy to own, we can even be proud of them.  We may like the fact that we are known as calm, or intellectual.  We may like being loyal, caring or sociable.  But it is the parts that cower in the background and get triggered on occasions that we may want to push aside, ignore, disown or which take us into a place of shame.  (For more about shame see my blogs on 'crippling shame').   These may include the part of you that can be controlling, or feels too needy or wants to hide when you make a mistake.  Taking time and learning to accept and own each part of you can be healing.  You may find working with a therapist can really help particularly when there is a part of you which relates to difficult times in your past.  

There can be two sides to each part.  
Whether your part is acceptable to you or not, they often have two sides to them, a side that works in your favour and one that can work against you. Here are some examples:
 
A Controlling part: Having this part could mean you consciously or unconsciously try to control other people, to manipulate a situation to your own ends which is usually unhealthy and can affect your relationship with others.  But once aware of your controlling part you can use it wisely; using the skills to make things happen, put things in place and manage situations when it's needed.   
 
A caring part: Being someone who cares for others can come out in a job or family role and is a precious part to have.  However, if your care for others stops you meeting your own needs, you may find yourself running on empty and even resentful to others and what they have come to expect from you.  
 
An envious part: This is a part we could want to disown as being envious of others and wanting what they have is not seen as positive.  When we own this part and become aware when it's active we can identify it and we can use it to help us know what we want and what is worth working for.  
 
A pleasing others part: Many of us have a need to please others which can mean we are well liked and fit in well within the family or friends.  It can also mean that we lose sight of our own wants and needs and live with a mask not feeling able to be our true self.  
 
Owning and accepting all our parts means we can use them to help protect us, guide and motivate us.  

When our parts get triggered:
Our parts can get triggered on a daily basis.  Once you are aware of your parts you can be curious about what is being triggered and why.  This awareness helps us gain understanding regarding our reactions and helps us be more compassionate with ourselves and our responses.  I know that my 'independant' part that is strong will react and struggle when I have to ask for help.   

Internal Family System:
Dr Richard Schwartz proposes that we each contain an 'internal family' of distinct parts and that by treating them with curiosity, respect and empathy it can help us to heal, a bit like members of a family coming together.  This work has now become a therapy in its own right.  It contains 4 main categories:
1) Core Self: The true self, which is often pushed aside by the other parts.  
2) Exiles: Those painful parts, which are often from childhood and teenage years.  For example the terrified 6-year-old and abandoned 13-year-old.  
3) Managers: They protect the system and suppress and contain the exile parts.  Like an inner critic, a workaholic, or controller.  
4) Fire fighters: These use extreme measures to distract, dissociate and numb the system when the exiles are triggered.  These could include the drug abuser, alcoholic or obsessive compulsive part.  

The work is far more detailed than this and if you would like to find out more go to ..https://ifs-institute.com

Managing your parts:  
Once you have owned your parts you can decide what you want to do with them, which ones you want to focus on and give energy to and which ones you want to be aware of, but not let them dominate in the way they have previously.  
Some parts even though they are adaptive parts from your life experience you may want to keep, what is important is learning that the choice is yours.  I kind of like my independent part, even though I know it came from my past experiences, but I need to keep it in check and at times put it in the background.  

I have found both these ways of looking at parts useful:
You are the landlord and have tenants in your house:
You are the landlord, you have all these tenants which are your parts.  Some have always been with you and some you have have picked up along the way.  Either way it is your house, and you make the rules.  Once you are fully aware of your tenants you can consider how much power, energy and room in your house you give them.  Which tenants do you push aside and not have time for and which take over and consume all your time and energy?
You are the director and can command your own play:
It can also be useful to consider yourself as the director of a play, and your parts are the actors in your play.  Some actors have dominated and taken centre stage, but other actors you can give energy to and give a greater part.  It may be that a character is not required any longer and has to stand down.  

When your parts are in conflict with each other:
We can find ourselves in a dilemma unsure of which way to turn, our conflicting thoughts fighting against each other.  When you consider your parts, this makes much more sense.  Once you get to know your parts you can appreciate which parts are getting triggered and how that is affecting your thought patterns.  As the landlord or director you can give each part a voice, listen to what each is trying to say and then decide which to give energy to.

Here is an example:  
You enjoy your job as a car salesman, you are doing well and heading for promotion.  You get on well with the owner and his wife who often pops into the showroom.  However, you discover the owner is having an affair and feel bad for the wife.  She suspects and asks you about it, and you feel awful as you shrug it off, turning away and lying, leaving you feeling dreadful and conflicted.
 
Conflicting parts:  Your loyal part, ambitious part, honest part, and empathy part are all in conflict.  Each is valid and each has an opinion.  
Empathy part: You really feel for the wife and how she is being betrayed, you know this when your own father cheated on your mother.
Loyal Part: Your boss has been good to you and you feel you owe it to him to not betray him.  
Honest part: You really hate yourself for lying.  
Ambitious part: You have worked hard for the promotion and if you handle this wrong you may not get it.

By listening to all parts concerned you can understand why you are in conflict.  Each has a voice and each is relevant.  With this awareness you can decide which part to give energy to and prioritise.  By doing this you can bring order into the overwhelming dilemma and know that you are responding the best you can in the situation.  
We all live each day with situations which will trigger our different parts.  In order to be true to ourselves we need to give each part a say, and decide what we give energy to so that we can be true to ourselves.  This means being aware of our parts, owning our parts and then learning to listen to them.  
 
I hope you find this blog useful, please do leave a comment below.
 





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